May 19th, 2013

Photo credit to William's sister, Maggie McKenna. Everyone has a different opinion of what's going on in this picture but I remember exactly.

Working in the restaurant business can be more than interesting. What makes it such an interesting line of work is the people. I meet so many people a day and hear so many different stories it really boggles me. Not only do I meet the vendors, customers, and such but also because the business is such an accessible one to work in, if you have the patience and ability to multi task, I work with people from all backgrounds, traditions, ages, shapes, color and size. Spending so much time with this diverse group of people leads to some interesting conversations and new view points. Being the new kid on the block I spend a lot of time learning about the people I work with and they want to know all about me.

Probably one of my favorite groups in the restaurant is the hostesses. I have such a heart for high schoolers and with the latest wedding fad, EVERYDAY,  they ask about the wedding. They ask about being in love. They ask about William. They ask about our plans. They ask how we met. EVERY DAY. This week is exciting for me because William and I will be living within thirty minutes of each other for the first time in 9 months. I am beyond elated that he will be close enough to get to whenever I want to. So I was telling my little hostesses about this and it struck up an interesting conversation. It's not the first time it has come up but it was definitely got me thinking.

Hostess: So when is William moving in with you?
Laura: May 19th, 2013.
Hostess: What? You're not living together before you get married?
Laura: No.
Hostess: Are you sure that's a good idea? How do you know that you can live with him?

I paused for a second because the societal background of this question broke my heart. Why has marriage become a question of being comfortable? I know I can live with him because I am saying I am going to. No matter how difficult. I feel like the basic premises of living together we have down pat.

1) Neither of us is an ax murderer or cannibal.
2) We sleep in a bed.
3)We are comparably clean, although he is more organized than I am.

I don't understand why our society believes that for our marriage to be successful we have to do a trial run first. What kind of love is that? William isn't a new vacuum or a car that I am just "trying out" to make sure that it's the right fit. Isn't that why we dated? The idea that I would stop loving or not want to have a life with this person because of something like his living habits boggles me. Wouldn't I have figured that out by now if there were some kind of huge deal breaker? I realize that when we get married and do live together that I am going to discover things about him that I never knew and even scarier still, things about myself that I didn't even know. But it saddens me to think that this average 17 year old girl doesn't think that a marriage could be successful without giving it a test drive first.

Prior to this discussion, someone else asked me why we weren't living together. I asked him what the difference between living together when you are dating and living together when you are married.
He gave me a pretty standard answer stating that they were pretty similar except one you could leave, and the other is harder to leave. Then I asked, well then if you are already living together when you get married, what changes? You are MOST LIKELY (not always) already having sex, you have worked through the kinks of living together, you already share bills and responsibilities, perhaps share a pet, and then you get married. Now what? You had a big party. Now to separate you have to fill out some paper work instead of just leaving. What has changed? Why is your marriage any more special than when you were just dating? You took away all of the things to look forward to in marriage. There are no surprises, nothing new or exciting. Its just life as usual with two new pieces of jewelry and 4  new toasters. You have already experienced most of the joys, especially if you have had children, and now all that's left to experience are the sorrows and trials. Whats even scarier about this is that my potential mate if I am living by this standard, may have had multiple trial marriages, carrying around so much emotional and physical baggage from this trial marriage that didn't work out because of one thing or another. Unless there is some HUGE difference between the two of you that would usually be figured out in normal conversation (cannibalism,  differing political views, huge incompatibilities) then maybe you shouldn't be getting married, period. Marriage is about compromise and change and growth and if you can't live with someone because they leave the toilet seat up or snore, then maybe marriage isn't for you. I feel like that is an idea that people are afraid to entertain but the truth is marriage is REALLY hard and it isn't for everyone, but that's an entirely different rant.

So, in short, William and I are not living together before we get married because we don't have to, we don't need to, and no matter what sort of living habits I wake up to the morning after our honey moon, this is no 90 day trial, and we are in this for good because we love each other. The end.