WARNING: Be careful to glean the actual meaning from what I am about to tell you, before just assuming that I am whining about my solitude, because this blog, is in fact, devoid of whine.
As you may or may not know I currently am living solo, preparing a "nest" for William and I to live in once we are wed. We are indeed blessed beyond measure and have a lovely home that I am so thankful for. I am having the time of my life decorating (Rome wasn't built in a day and this is taking equally as long).
However, I am CONSTANTLY alone. Unless I am at the restaurant with my wonderful community that I love so dearly, or William and I get the rare chance to see one another, or he comes to visit me, I am by myself. Now for some this may sound kind of like a dream come true. All this time to myself, no screaming children, limited amounts of drama that I can leave at the restaurant, plenty of time to wedding plan, any music I want, I can walk around the apartment in any state I so desire, the temperature is my choice, the lighting, what I eat, when I eat, where I eat, I can watch all the Netflix I want and spend much needed time with my best friends, the Kardashians. Everything is as clean as I want it, everything is where I last put it, no one steals my treats, I can be completely in tune with my thoughts and do whatever I so please. Dream. Come. True.
On the contrary, I have only recently begun to view it this way. Poor William, Johnny, Katie and my mom receive the brunt of my loneliness with such messages being sent as:
Laura to Katie: Have you seen the episode where scott drunkenly crashes kim's birthday dinner? i'm so stressed from it!
Laura to Johnny: Guess what just came on pandora? Love on Top and then Gospel Truth from Hercules. Perf.
Laura to William: Do you like it?
William: I love it.
L: Do you really like it?
L: Like really really?
W: Yes.
L: would you tell me if you didn't like it?
W: Yes.
L: are you sure?
While, as previously stated, I am the most content with my life right now than I ever have been, I have only recently learned to like being alone. In college, I swear I was never alone. There was always someone around, someone that wanted to see you, or you wanted to see, or neither of you actually wanted to see each other but knew that the other didn't want to be alone so you simply tolerated each other for the sake of company. Same living with my family, I am with Blove and Thomas like 23 hours a day when I am home. I love being around people. My mom used to call me "The Social Butterfly" of our family. In the past, there was not a day when I didn't have something to do, someone to see, somewhere to be. And I LOVE that. I love taking care of people, investing in project, learning about others, I love affection, I dearly miss the Abbey where I could just walk outside and see someone who would at least LET me hug them. I always had opportunities to love and serve people around me. I've never really had my own room. In fact in college, I moved out of my solo room because I was too lonely. I am a communal being. The epitome of a sorority girl. I LOVE COMMUNITY, more so even than my intended. I would be perfectly happy to be a Siamese twin I think. But in this part of my life, there are days and days on end where the only thing I have to do is go to work. And then come home. To no one. While the restaurant supplies me with every possible human interaction I could ever want and not want, I obviously have to maintain a line of professionalism. So intimate relationships there are nil. At this time in my life, I have had to learn how to keep myself company and it has led to some startling and fun conclusions.
1) I am never bored. EVER. You know how you sit on your computer and pin all these things on pinterest and say to yourself "Self, one day we will do all these things." Not me. I actually do them. Just from where I sit in my favorite spot, I can count five Pinterest inspired things in my room (which to be honest is quite barren because as I said, Rome wasn't built in a day) I have refinished an end table, printed large b&w prints from staples, made a 3 mirror thing so I can see all angles, refinished a stool to put at my vanity, and based the color pallet of my room off of some designs from Pinterest. While to some this just says that I am a freak, to me it is impressive and not to toot my own horn, impresses me that I haven't procrastinated and I am not stuck in my ways. I am always trying to find better and prettier ways of doing things around the house.
2) If I make my bed, I won't come back to it. Making my bed makes me feel great. And I don't nap or waste time on the computer if I make my bed because I don't want to mess it up because its so pretty and time consuming.
3) If I designate places for things to be, I won't lose them (as often as I usually do).
4) I can entertain, discipline, and provide for myself. I feel like this is probably the most important thing that I have learned about myself. And to be completely candid, the entire reason I am posting this post. Ever since The Fall, no not God's favorite season because of football and pumpkins, but the Original Fall from Grace, like Adam and Eve, I think it has been one of the subsequent consequences of Original Sin that women feel like they MUST have a man to be happy.
It is interesting to me, that for me and most of my girlfriends that I know have experienced the same thing, that when it comes time for me to say, "Goodnight" to William, he can say good night, kiss me and say I love you, and walk out the door. It's as easy as pie to him. Yeah, I know he doesn't really like it. He would rather be with me but there he goes out in to the great blue yonder without so much as a flinch. It was the same in college with my other girlfriends, I had a friend, and I am guilty of this too, that sometimes when her man would leave for the night she would almost be brought to tears. I try and hold on to his hands a little longer, find any excuse for him not to leave, pout, act like a child, and am literally heart broken over him leaving, even though I will see him soon. It sounds crazy, mostly because it is, but these feelings of abandonment and loneliness are so deeply sown in the hearts of women that its difficult to act like a normal human being sometimes. Once I recognize what's going on and give it the appropriate response it deserves it's easier to act like an adult but those feelings are still there. Genesis 3:16 says, "To the woman He said: "I will intensify the pangs of your childbearing; in pain shall you bring forth children. Yet your urge shall be for your husband, and he shall be your master."" Uhhh, maybe someone forgot to mention that this overwhelming desire to be with my husband was part of this Original Sin punishment thing. My urge is definitely for my husband. And there he goes...out the door. The master of his own destiny. And here I am. Alone. Again. Now, I won't even give any attention to the part about him being my master, what ever, if you give it the slightest bit of normal human thought instead of Feminist circa 1960's bra burning craziness, you can see that being the "master" is sometimes just as difficult as being the "mastered".
Where am I going with this? Living alone has taught me that, yes I want to get married. The urge in my heart is for my husband and soon I will only have to say "Good night" and rarely "good bye". It is 191 days away and I am stoked. However, God forbid anything should happen, I could be perfectly fine on my own until my circumstances changed. I can certainly keep my self occupied. I have been getting up at 8:30 everyday, well almost every day. I eat pretty healthy, and I rarely eat out, unless it is with William. I find ways to entertain myself that don't cost much money or if it does, its something useful that we will have around for a long time, not like a manicure or something. My apartment is clean. William has done a lot of iron on iron for me as far as making me a better, more organized and well rounded person. But I am doing pretty well on my own.
My one bit of advice to my friends that I am learning from being engaged is make it a short engagement. 6 months is sufficient. The rest of that time is superfluous waiting, and awkward. Make it quick. However, I can clearly see God's hand in this and how He gave me this time to be reflective and confident in my own abilities and worth, sans my better half. Living alone has given me a chance to love myself, spend time with me, get to know what I actually prefer and what things I was actually just doing to make the people I lived with more comfortable. Solitude has shown me my heart and the quiet ways that the Lord speaks to it.
That being said, I'm tired of living alone and need these 191 days to fly so I can get back to what I do best, that is, taking care of someone.
